So you weren’t reborn in the baptismal pool of mother’s milk… now what??
Don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to prepare for the next time the pool of rebirth is presented to you. First of all don’t be a pussy! Don’t be a pussy, like say what you mean, but then also don’t be a pussy like don’t be afraid to apologize if you were wrong. Don’t have a “thing” or at least don’t refer to your “thing.” Don’t tell other people what not to have, who are you to talk, you butthole? Don’t get bogged down by the fact that eventually you’re gonna die, so any decision you are weighing besides “have fun” seems COMPLETELY POINTLESS — you are going to die! Don’t assume things just get better, civilization gets more civilized, equality settles like a wave reaching equilibrium…mother.fucking.NOPE. Hey, guess what, after the American Revolution, free black Americans had lots of rights, but then a few decades later, self-righteous, frightened ASSHOLES just TOOK THEM AWAY. Guess what?! People are forgetful as FUCK! Learn not to please people. Learn to displease them. Pick who you want to please. Learn not to judge your self worth based on how other people feel about you. DOn’T BE AFRAID OF BEING WRONG. Get paid for shit! Do some shit for free! Be Kinder. Be braver. STOP WORRYING!!!! LET GO! Don’t let go. LET GO! Don’t let go. Lean in. HARD. Lean in to what’s you. Listen to what isn’t. Try to understand what isn’t. Be really fucking careful about giving advice. Teach people how to treat you. Don’t judge. Get health insurance. Butts are funny. Donuts are good. eat. sleep. fuck. love. Call your parents………………. IF YOU DO ALL THIS AND MORE ………………………………………………………………………….. tell me how.

So you weren’t reborn in the baptismal pool of mother’s milk… now what??

Don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to prepare for the next time the pool of rebirth is presented to you. First of all don’t be a pussy! Don’t be a pussy, like say what you mean, but then also don’t be a pussy like don’t be afraid to apologize if you were wrong. Don’t have a “thing” or at least don’t refer to your “thing.” Don’t tell other people what not to have, who are you to talk, you butthole? Don’t get bogged down by the fact that eventually you’re gonna die, so any decision you are weighing besides “have fun” seems COMPLETELY POINTLESS — you are going to die! Don’t assume things just get better, civilization gets more civilized, equality settles like a wave reaching equilibrium…mother.fucking.NOPE. Hey, guess what, after the American Revolution, free black Americans had lots of rights, but then a few decades later, self-righteous, frightened ASSHOLES just TOOK THEM AWAY. Guess what?! People are forgetful as FUCK! Learn not to please people. Learn to displease them. Pick who you want to please. Learn not to judge your self worth based on how other people feel about you. DOn’T BE AFRAID OF BEING WRONG. Get paid for shit! Do some shit for free! Be Kinder. Be braver. STOP WORRYING!!!! LET GO! Don’t let go. LET GO! Don’t let go. Lean in. HARD. Lean in to what’s you. Listen to what isn’t. Try to understand what isn’t. Be really fucking careful about giving advice. Teach people how to treat you. Don’t judge. Get health insurance. Butts are funny. Donuts are good. eat. sleep. fuck. love. Call your parents………………. IF YOU DO ALL THIS AND MORE ………………………………………………………………………….. tell me how.

NEW ENEMY: GUY ON UNIVERSITY AND 12TH!

UNIVERSITY AND 12th - DID YOU WITNESS THIS CRIME????

ME: Trying to enter my Pilates class (Mat: Advanced Kegels). I go right.

YOU: You- attempting to avoid me - walk directly into me.

ME: Side stepping, the polite scuttle for who will go first?

YOU: Listening to your STUPID iPOD or whatever paying LITTLE attention.

ME: (being AWESOME).

YOU: Yell at me “YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!”

ME: SHOCKED at being called a fucking idiot - I yelled back - “HEY- did you just call me a “Fucking Idiot?”

YOU: Yell - YEAH I DID

ME: Yeah….well…you are a loser! I SAY: WHO RAISED YOU??!! Who raised you to shout like a crazy person at a VERY petite lady trying to work out after a VERY stressful workday. HAS EVERYONE GONE CRAZY? I AM VERY PETITE.

"This is your last chance, TARA. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill — the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill — you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." - TARA, 2006

(BUY YOUR TICKETS! SEE HOW FAR THE RABBIT HOLE GOES!)


An Abbreviated List of Enemies

> George W. Bush (aka David Siegel) 
> Wal-Mart
> K-mart
> The mini-mart (corner Clifton and Greene…sprays RAID on produce)
> The mini-mart (corner Clifton and 6th…doesn’t take cards)
> Whole Foods
> Fox News
> Feigning ignorance to seem more trustworthy to the ignorant
> Ignorance
> Panties
> Mean sales reps. who bully you into buying things you don’t want
> Hybrid car batteries
> Over-head lighting
> the naming process for pharmaceutical products
> the little bit of dried lotion left over in the lotion spigot
> the sexualization of young girls

> the de-sexualization of mothers

> Individually wrapped things
> candies in the check out aisle
> Ppl who order stupid shit like iced Cappuccinos…Seriously?! Why would you ice hot foam?!
> death
> over-specialized toys
> Gandhi (self righteous Son of a—-)
> Ppl with trust funds
> Ppl who went to Ivy League Schools
> Ppl who didn’t apply themselves enough to get into Ivy League schools (seriously, guys. How hard can it be?)

> Ppl who judge people based on where they went to college

> hypocrisy

> hypocrisy

> INDECISION
> Always with the perfect hair and the perfect teeth!
> your mom being sad
> your dad being sad
> taxes
> cross-walk signals. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHEN TO WALK!
> not being able to buy beer and wine in the same store
> city-tax
> The people who told us we could be president
> The people who told other people they couldn’t
> Harvey Weinstein
> engineered obsolescence 
> an economic system that relies on engineered obsolessence
> …spelling
> Gold
> Anthropomorphism
> Porn
> internships
> aging
> the fetishization of youth
> sequels
> Dick Cheney
> Karl Rove
> Anyone stupid enough to want to be president
> Fear
> expensive tampons
> Super Bowl commercials
> Jeans-shopping
> Cancer
> meaning
> Humiliation
> the impulse to be cute
> snowcones without enough syrup
> campaign financing
> conservative conspiracy spam
> nepotism
> broken condoms
> The moment when you realize you’re only devastated by the crushing lonliness that is the human condition and the meaninglessness of endeavor in the context of your inevitable demise BECAUSE you’re going to get your period in 2 days.
> The moment when Adam and Eve saw that they were different and covered up
> The choice between settling and struggling
> organized religion

> The fact that there are people who are fucking STARVING! People who never get to see their families! People who don’t have families! People who live in war! People whose clitorises get chopped off! People who live in fear for their lives! People who die, and no one notices!


> dental work
> health insurance

> ….perspective 
> Commercials for chocolate
> Commercials for cleaning products
> Commercials
> Diamonds
> Veal
> The belief that life will plateau and that you are struggling to reach that plateau
> Networking
> Tomatoes that keep for over two weeks
> buying raspberries in January
> red-zoning
> Gerrymandering
> The fact that ppl only talk about Michelle Obama’s belted cardigans and biceps

> The fact that I will never have Michelle Obama’s biceps, and I can’t pull off a belted cardigan because I’m rather “hippy”

> how big breakfasts inevitably make you feel sick
> How at a certain point you meet ppl with whom you know you could be the best of friends, but you realize that that will never, ever happen because you are too busy
> adolescence
> The establishment
> Car engines - WHAT?!
> Banks
> The fashion industry
> Tall
> Grande
> Venti
> Doctor Phil
> Oprah
> sensible heels
> teeny-tiny pockets that force you to carry a purse
> debt
> Sharks
> the CIA
> terrorists
> ugly
> FACEBOOK

> pretty

> not knowing where to start

DEAR JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT, Or whatever! That’s too many names!

You think most pretty girls aren’t funny? Well guess what, we don’t think you are that funny. Seriously- you’re like okay funny. Sometimes you are better funny. But mostly you are okay funny. You know what you’re good at? Looking all sensitive and like you care and like you’ll return my call if we go on a movie date/take a walk through The High Line, But you wouldn’t! Would you? Cus if you will. Then…Well - please post a comment to this Tumblr and then MAYBE i will return your message.